I'm not ashamed to admit that once I finally received my flight confirmation I cried like a baby. Immediately it sunk in, the solidification that I would without a doubt be going. There were no more " Maybe this will happen" thoughts or "God should I's?" It was like a breath I wasn't aware I'd been holding in was released and I inhaled deeply for the first time in months.
That's not to say that fear didn't try to creep in at that moment, because unfortunately it did show its ugly face. There is something altogether intimidating about taking part in anything that is bigger than yourself. With it comes surrender of control and a trust that surpasses logical explanation. Doubt surfaced for a millisecond, not in the fact that I was meant to be taking this trip, but in my ability to do so. I wondered if I was capable of leaving for two months. More so, the notion that I had nothing to offer to the people of Alajuelita came to mind.
God met me in that place once again and turned a time of potential panic back into one of worship.
He took me on a trip over the past year, through the steps we've taken together to get to this place. The nights spent in prayer, the disappointments, the hours doing Spanish homework ( I'm still not great at speaking it, honestly), and all of the choices he's guided me through. Showing me that his fingerprints are covering each and every experience that I've encountered over the past year. They have all added up to bring me here because he has been orchestrating them perfectly, I know that without question.
He reminded me of everything that happened in Costa Rica last March. About how there was an undeniable sense of home and a feeling that I was meant to be there. In knowing that I will be returning, I realize just how much I have missed it. My heart has ached for the people within that community and will continue to until I see them again.
If getting to go back and be a part of their story once more means combating my own selfish doubt and fear, then I will do it willingly. I pray that on this trip I can serve, love, and pour out as much of myself for them as possible. I know that God will equip me with the strength, the wisdom, and all that is needed to do so; because in the end the things he will accomplish through me for his purposes are far more important than my own capability to do them.
There's a song by Sleeping at Last called Watermark that I've been listening to a lot lately, mostly because the bridge inspires me so much. I'll leave it for you to ponder on:
" Dive in with your eyes closed, for the life you were born to claim.
And the water will be paralyzed by the courage you contain.
The flutter of your earnest heart, it will fill the silent seas.
And all will be restored in your melody."